The Way Back Home

Posted: October 10, 2019 in Uncategorized
To the chubby, short, and restless storm of constant trouble
The little tomboy princess, who so badly wanted to own her own planet, just like the Little Prince, catching stars and exploring the universe.
The one that always believed that God loved her the most. Believed that she was special and destined for something big.
To the little girl, that used to play with the boys. But later, was taught, that boys are danger. Taught that boys grow up to be wandering wearwolves hunting for a naive girl to chew on her flesh, and she the “naive” girl must strategically plan escape whenever they are around.
The little girl that, hated every single moment of having to deal with getting boobs. Every moment of aunties pointing and commenting about it. Every, moment of having to say “No realy, I’m 11” and watching the faces of disbelief turn away. Watching the wandering wearwolves form fantasies that would leave her body bloody and grieving.
To the little girl who is still alive and well inside me. And so badly.. wants to be herself freely. But is always suppressed by this adult woman who hates herself, who hates everything, really and wants to leave this world and never come back.
This is to the little girl I was.
Little girl,
I miss you.
And I’m sorry.
It’s just life isn’t so pretty, and I want to complain. I’m always tired. Even in my sleep, I’m fighting battles.
This older woman I’ve become isn’t as nearly strong or enduring as you are.
You were always the strong one
I mean, stating facts:
At one year old, you gulped on a can of Kerosine thinking it’s Pepsi, it caused you fatal chemical pneumonia that lasted for whole two weeks and look, we’re still breathing.
At 4 years old, you fell from the 2nd floor balcony, on your feet, broke no bone, and limped your way back home.
You went to school everyday from the 1st to the 7th grade, knowing you’ll face bullies, and you faced them like the war hero you are. Gloriously.
But… Today I can barely stand having a headache.
Little girl, I need you.
I’m too old to afford making mistakes, yet too young to avoid making mistakes.
I need you to remind me of how to live.
Beacause I’m helplessly staring at these hands .. that were once yours, waiting.. for them to learn the trick of living this life.
This adulthood thing. This whole being a strong independent woman, in a capitalist,
patriarchal, misogynistic world, with such mental status, while trying to maintain a social life, craving to love and be loved, and striving to build and plan for a better future all together; is so f***ing hard.
I’m in a darkness, I am soaked and dripping in it. And if I don’t change, I’ll remain a prisoner to the darkness I’m in.
I don’t know what it takes.
I just know that I gotta change.
I have to change the woman I’ve become.
I need to change.
I want to be powerful.
I want to be brave.
I want to be beautiful.
I don’t want to be fake.
I don’t want to be a push over.
I want to have faith.
I want to be in control yet,
not be so scared of losing control. I want to grow. Not just older, but I want to grow
Perhaps grow back into the little girl I was, before she was broken into many parts.
Little girl, I’m ruined and in parts. My self worth is bleeding to death and I can’t seem to save her.
I’m in pain and I can’t cry. Because, because big girls don’t cry? Because someone might ask why am I crying and I’d say I don’t know and they’d laugh at me or judge me or ignore me? Because I don’t want to be weak but I’m weakly trying to be strong?
Little girl,
I’m writing this poem, I’m writing this poem for you but deep down I’m wishing you would’ve written me one. I wish I’d find a lost diary with your handwriting and bad spelling on it, telling me not to worry cuz I’ll figure it all out. I will know what to do eventually. We’ve got lost many times before but we’ve always found our way back home.
Haven’t we?
Little girl; The Little Princess who so badly wanted to be The Little Prince, or his best friend at least. You knew you would’ve loved him more than that red rose ever did. Because you love big. You love with all your big warm heart.
You are still alive in my heart. You are the only strength I still have within me.
Walk me through this life.
Show me the way back home.

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