Memories

Posted: May 6, 2019 in Uncategorized

TRIGGER WARNING

 

Around this time last year, I tried killing myself by injecting myself with adrenaline. Purpose was: the effect of adrenaline would stop my heart by causing it atrial fibrillation then arrhythmia. One year has passed. I haven’t attempted suicide again ever since. But the thought never leaves my mind.

I was blessed to find myself in love again after so many years of false crushes and one sided love. I found someone who gave me comfort and warmth like never before. But unfortunately, it didn’t last. And I lost all kinds of communication with that someone. Someone I still miss every day, still wish to find myself in their arms one last time.

I’ve had so many dreams and ambitions. The plan was by this time, I’ll be out of the country. Living on my own, supporting myself and helping support my family. Working toward my future. Becoming my whole self freely and successfully. But here I am. Carrying whats left of these dreams in my hand and feeling them slipping through my fingers slowly and vanishing.

I can tell I’m in a bad place. Mentally and emotionally. I can tell that complaining about it won’t change a thing. I’m aware that if it’s not me, then who will move and get up and woman up and do something about it? But I have given up. To me now; life and everything about it is tasteless. I don’t know where to go from here.

What happens to someone who is lost in the desert and got tired of all the walking and sun and thirst?

What was on the minds of the musicians playing music while the Titanic was drowning?

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