The Ending

Posted: July 4, 2018 in Uncategorized

The moon is hiding behind clouds.
Just like how I hide my feelings behind my expressionless face.
Even if I cry, I cry from a place of strength.
I hate weakness.
I hate vulnerability.
But Im right here between your arms that chose to embrace someone else.

I abuse myself.
All for the sake of not feeling anything.
Feelings are too much I feel like they’re eating my heart.
And I miss you.
And cigarettes help me to push down all the breathlessness I feel whenever you strut across my memory.

Maybe I’m depressed.
I am yet to hear from my therapist.
I’ve been avoiding facing her.
She is a stranger that I do not want to feel naked in front of.
It fits me more to be naked before you.
But you dont seem to care.
And I wish my heart and lungs would fade and numbness would replace them.
I dont want to feel.
I dont want to feel.
I dont want my hunger fed but rather it stops visiting my guts.
I’m a mess.
I’m a mess.
If I had a blade in my hand right now I would’ve taken my own life.
I would’ve ended all this.
But I have nothing but myself.
And poison in my veins.
I wanna be okay.
I wanna say I’m fine and mean it and believe it.
Not saying it as a robotic response to “how are you?”.

But I’m a mess I’ve failed to clean.
I’m water spilled.
I’m a soul watsed.
I’m the remaining mud that God didn’t know what to do with.
Or a wandering sperm that accidently found its way to an ovum and surprise! Another child. A girl that would grow into a broken woman that would still stand firm inspite of her scattered flesh and missing bones.
I’m a warrior that death swore to spare. So all these battles will be fought till the end.
I wonder how the end would look like.
Will I die proud? Or die from over exhausion?
And I want you to be there.
To hold my body as it lets go of the last bit a life remaining of it.
Like how Cleopatra kissed that last drop of soul remaining in her lover.
I want you to be there.
To witness the wounds and the blood and the sacrifices I made subconsciously.
Hold me.
So in my death -unlike my life- I wont be alone, without you, missing you, lover.

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