Learning

Posted: June 16, 2018 in Uncategorized

Under a cloud of smoke.
I write this poem hoping it wouldn’t turn into a suicide note.
I’m learning to live without constantly thinking of killing myself.
I want to find what saved me for all these years.
I need to know why it decided to leave now.
Leaving me awake and aware of my desire to not exist.

I wanna remember the first cry I made when I was born.
I wanna know who comforted my father and told him I was well and alive.
I wanna know if crying is what means that one is alive.
Because if so, then I wanna laugh.
I wanna laugh till my ribs protest against my lungs.
But I’m learning to live without constantly wanting to die.

I wonder if my past self is watching me.
I wonder, if it is watching me in pride or disapointment.

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