..

Posted: August 17, 2017 in Uncategorized
I trust you..
I trust you with my body..
I trust your hands..
I trust your mouth..
I long to be vulnerable before you..
to be of naked body.. and naked soul..
my self, whole, under your breath and between your arms.. but your arms..
Your arms aren’t open for me.. I’ll run to you..
running out of breath knowing that there is no guarantee that you’d hold me..
but I let hope blossom and bloom in my heart anyway..
and either ways,
even if your arms send me away, wet.. thirsty.. hopeful and homeless,
I’d run to you again..
I’d run to you..
in reality or dreams..
in dreams or nightmares..
and I’ll blame it on my self destructive tendencies..
or blame it on your sight, on how you’re just unable to see me..
Or blame it..
..
..
I’m running out of breath.. longing..
to you.
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Glow

Posted: June 15, 2017 in Uncategorized

I write because I live.
Living as myself makes living even harder.
I’m alone in my suffering.
I’m a ghost haunted by a house I’m not allowed in.
It lives in me. Leaving me out. There’s no place for me.
I write to make a room for me.

I write because I live.
And I’m alive despite my opinion in life. I didn’t choose this. I never wanted the happening, neither did I want to witness the happening of days. I don’t want to hate God, but I didn’t want this, God.
I can’t recall the memory of having a soul that one day said “Yes! I want to human, I want to life”.
I write to find that version of my soul. Maybe she was right. And I just can’t find the right image, the right logic or reason she saw, so I write to find the right in midst all this wrong I’ve become.
I write for the sake of unbecoming something that I’m not when becoming something that I’m not is the only coping mechanism, I write to cope with the mechanism of living and surviving things I don’t want to survive but I have to… cuz I have to. A necessity.. an obligation.. an oath I don’t remember taking but it’s tied around my neck like a noose I didn’t tie the knot to but it’s knotting around my throat making me want to cry instead of just saying the right words and so I write on this note wetting the lines and cracking jokes inside my mind.

I wish my soul to be liquid sometimes. So I can spill it out all over papers and feel lighter after this. I write for to speak I need tongue and voice and mine were conditioned to silence since birth. I’m smaller than I’d want to be. Yet heavier than my bones can carry. I write to be lighter than this.

I write because breathing is a routin that is sick of me, and I often want to trade my breath for a poem but a poem is how I literraly breath.
I write because gates of heaven aren’t the ones welcoming me, I walk into the wrong class and I’m told to go across the ending world to find my desk. To sit down quietly and write as I wait for fate to decide which room I’m not allowed to occupy next. As my faith runs thinner than my blood stream. I write to thicken the stream of my prayers.
To appropriate the prayer then properly praying it. But I pray in poetry instead.
I write and write because I long and forget and fall and hurt then write once again, twice again, thrice as much, because all routes of living are now blocked, there are no paths, no doors, there’s no one I’m alone. a raining night sky, an empty womb, a drained vein.

I write… for when the sky is too close that the falling stars settle in my flesh.. without granting any wish.. and I’ve wished for disappearance,
I glow instead.

Formation

Posted: April 30, 2017 in Uncategorized

This is a testimony for the words that form this mind and the mind that forms this form and the soul standing within and above it all.
This is the new Genesis.

In the beginning:
A war zoned out
A queen was born
Behold and witness
The fierceness of her bones

Behold…

I.
The Womanhood.
The Blackness.
The Poeticness.

I..
Slay

I..
thriving to perform a form of life out of the best formation of words that only my mind can be a witness for. I want to inform.. of the miracles I performe by just breathing into this form.

black form,
woman..
black woman..
poet..
Black Woman Poet
Black Woman poet form.

I don’t talk much.. I write poems.. I write the formula of those unshakable thoughts transforming into spoken words.
This is the transformation of the God given strength into the art of breathing into this form.

And I want to inform.. the world of my humannes as I spill greatness when it pretends to forget..
I’ll pretend to remind
and rewind
my days like..

survival is the miracle, the scriptures, the prophet and the brimstones.
I
spill greatness.
un..becoming.. of.. a lady.. so motherfucking gracious.
I am that woman
whole, world, wonders, wonder woman, super woman,
Wounded still going back to war everyday woman. word smith welding swords woman making weapons.. warrior woman.

Bring on the battles.. I’m about to win the war.

#30DaysWritingChallenge Day 30

Untitled

Posted: April 29, 2017 in Uncategorized

I remember a garden that looked like it came out of a dream.

(I know I’ve dreamed of you before.
It must be the dream this garden came out of)

I remember in the garden, grew flowers I don’t know what they’re called, but I remember their taste.
Sour at first, then sweet.

(I know I must have kissed you before.
There is no other reason why I’m craving those sweet sour flowers)

I loved that garden so much, that I wanted to bury my heart in it.

(And I want to be smaller, the size of a heart. So I can bury myself behind your ribs)

I remember the scent of jasmines covering the air.
So beautiful, I wanted to grow them in my lungs.
I’d get off my bicycle, escaping the heat of sun. And lie on the wet grass. Zoning out. Inhaling jasmines and sucking on the sweet sour flowers.

(I want to escape this life and run to your arms.
Lie between them.
I want to zone out between them.
I want to inhale your scent and search for flowers on your neck)

My God, I really miss that garden.

And when I’d miss you so;
I console myself by making imaginary conversations between us.

Where I’m more beautiful and funnier than how I really am.
I tell you so many stories.

Then reality hits me;
I can’t visit that garden anymore.
I can’t ride my bicycle freely anymore.
I can’t. I can’t sit beside you anymore.
I’m here. And you’re there.
Right where I left my garden.

Reality hits hard but I don’t cry.
I hide under my blanket.
I hug myself tightly.
As tightly as you once hugged me.
I try to recall the taste of the sweet sour flowers.
I try to remember the scent of jasmines.

#30DaysWritingChallenge Day 29

Mute Speech

Posted: April 28, 2017 in Uncategorized

My tongue numbed itself and wept.. then slept.. refusing to ever wake up again.
And I stopped trying to wake it up.. I stopped caring ever since..
my words started repeating themselves.
The words I want to say.. the language I speak with.. have lost their way to my tongue.
I’ve been heavier ever since.
I feel too much and I feel many things..
things that don’t make any sense.
And my feelings keep accumulating and growing bigger and taller than me..
I’m heavier..
Words are no longer mending or helping me..
I’m heavier..
words are not making any difference.. they’re no longer capable of putting off the weight.
And I can’t tell when did I lose my way.
Or if it’s my soul or my heart or my mind that got overweight with sadness.
Got me repeating myself.
I’m mute even when I’m talking.
#30DaysWritingChallenge Day 28

Name

Posted: April 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

“Oh Honey.. just the mention of your name.. turns the flicker to a flame”

1/
I sat by the river.. and soaked my ribs in the water.
I scrubbed them hard and clean from your name.
Your name, that has long rusted on their insides in vain.
So long that I could not expand my chest without the after taste of your name staining my breath.
And so I soaked my ribs.
Scrubbed all the rust away.
And now.. my hands smell of your name.

2/
“But I can’t, just the thought of you.. turns my whole world misty blue”

It’s time I’d move on..
I’ve held on for so long and so tight.
I’ve lingered long enough..
You’ve lingered long, not enough..
I’m trying my best not to miss you.
But how can a heart not miss it’s coronary?
Forget I asked that.
This is not about you. Its about me.
It is about my survival in the midst of your absence.

It’s not your fault that I fell for you into a pitless, endless hole where everything glows, but it’s still so scary.
I still tremble to the mention of your name.

I still stumble upon glimpses of memories, fantasies I thought of so many times I can’t longer tell if they’re realities or fantasies.

“Baby, I should forget you.. heaven knows I’ve tried”

I’m stuck.. I can’t move.. what if the moment I decide to go, you turn around and come to find that I’m not here anymore?
But you’re the one who is not here anymore.

It’s time I forget you.
I have to forget you.
I must forget you
I must fix that limp in my walk.
Take my ribs out of the water.
Stitch them back together.
And stop smelling my hands.

*Dorothy Moore – Misty Blue
#30DaysWritingChallenge Day 27

Let There Be Voice

Posted: April 26, 2017 in Uncategorized

My throat is full of voice,
but my mouth is empty of words.

This only means one thing.

Scream
And scream
And scream
Scream till the sky descends closer to learn my name.
Scream till God stops all the ascending prayers to listen to me.
Scream until the rain in my lungs turn my breath into rainbows.
Until my mind is out of its sense.
I’ve been in sanity for long enough.. it’s time to lose control to get out of my mind and roar and soar and scream.
Scream till my wounds fall off my body like I’m dusting them off my shoulders.
And I’m dusting off my shoulders from all the burdens keep holding me back.
Scream till my fears are the ones afraid of me.. they be turning their backs.
They run, trip and fall as I laugh and laugh like I never been afraid before.
I’ve never been afraid more..
than the time I looked death in the eyes and watched him turning his back.
But not anymore..
Look..
he’s right there, still showing his face still asking for a chance but I tell him wait. This soul still has so much to give you don’t get to take me now, no.
I’m alive, I’m alive.
I’m tired and hurting.. I’m heavy and burdened..
but I’m alive.
And I’ll scream life.. I’ll scream for life.
I’ll scream I’ll live.
I’ll scream and scream and scream
So let there be voice.
#30DaysWritingChallenge Day 26